Sex Talk: Sex Therapists Speak about Sex and Relationships


Spice Up Your Relationship in Three Easy Steps

Spice Up Your Relationship in Three Easy Steps by David Yarian PhDStep One: Make time to spend together.

Reestablish your friendship. Remember what drew you together in the beginning. Make time to relax together. A weekend away from home/kids/responsibilities is an excellent way to start.

Don’t feel pressured about sex. A hurried sexual experience at the end of a long day when you are tired is probably not going to be the most satisfying experience for either partner.

Take the time to maintain your relationship with your beloved partner. Most people in a long-term relationship focus more on their job, the house, or the kids than on maintaining and improving their intimate connection.

Remember to court your partner in subtle, everyday ways. Go a little out of your way to remind your Beloved how special they are to you.

Step Two: Make an intimate connection each day.

An intimate connection with your partner involves trust, openness, kindness, and listening. Being present and paying attention are central. It helps to make eye contact.

Form the habit of intentionally connecting with your partner. You’ve got a hundred things on your mind and it’s easy to forget to connect. Prioritize making ten minutes of pure connection. It can help to develop a ritual for this connection, like a long hug, or a few moments of affection. Wordless connections can feel profound.

In the real world of long-term intimate relationships, the emotional connection you have with your partner is the foundation of a satisfying sexual relationship.

Step Three: Expand your definition of sex.

Sex is much more than just sexual intercourse. Cultural myths equate sex with intercourse, leading many couples to hurry past foreplay and relaxing together.

Sex is fundamentally about connection, and giving and receiving pleasure.

The best, most satisfying sex is when there is no time pressure and you are relaxed and playful.  Sex is supposed to be fun! It’s not so good when it feels like one more chore you have to do, or a test you might fail.

Hurrying to get to the goal line of orgasm is like taking a drive down the beautiful Coast Highway in Big Sur, winding between the mountains to one side and the dramatic Pacific coastline on the other, but  focusing only on hurrying to get to your destination. Enjoy. The. Journey!

The best sexual experiences occur when you are tuned in to the sensory delights of what is happening – the touch and taste and smell and sound and vision of your lover as you give and receive pleasure.

Giving and receiving pleasure does not require an erection or lubrication or even an orgasm. You don’t have to be aroused or turned on to have a good time. The 8000 nerve endings in the clitoris and the 3500 nerve endings in the head of the penis are the densest concentration of specialized erotogenic nerve endings anywhere in the body. So – relax and enjoy the symphony of sensations!

Your body is a magnificent instrument for the experience of pleasure. Approach your partner as if he or she is a Stradivarious violin and you are a musical genius who knows just what to do to elicit the most beautiful music in the world.

What if you don’t know what to do, or how to touch your partner so their body arches with pleasure?  Ask questions. Get guidance. Engage your partner in teaching you how to love her or him. Remember how you get better at things – Practice, practice, practice. Sex is learned behavior. You can learn to be a better lover, and you can help your partner learn how best to love you.

When you go for a special dinner with your partner, do you talk ahead of time about where to go? Do you anticipate the pleasures of the fine food you will enjoy? During your meal, do you take your time eating, savoring each bite, enjoying the presentation? Do you share bites from your plate? Do you talk about the meal afterwards? What if sex was not just a “fast food” approach to intimacy, but a gourmet meal at a five-star restaurant? Every time.

It’s worth being deliberate about creating wonderful experiences together. The best sex comes not from techniques or toys but from deep connection and giving and receiving pleasure in a timeless space where there is only the two of you.

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