Sex Talk: Sex Therapists Speak about Sex and Relationships


Better Sex

Better Sex

Media Representations of Sex Are Often Unrealistic

Have better sex! Trumpets the headline of the latest Cosmo/MensWomensHealthFit mags in the checkout line at the grocery. By which they usually mean, have more sex/orgasms with more chiseled abs more times maybe with more partners.

The net result of this approach to sexuality “education” is to make most of us feel we’re doomed to fall short. The porno kings and queens, with artificially enhanced bodies and athletic skills, give accomplished but soulless performances, always alert to where the camera is pointing. The turbocharged sex media machine is fundamentally about money. They want to sell you another magazine, another video, more downloads.

Is this beginning to sound like a rant? As a sex therapist I often groan when the sex scene comes up in the movie. Will it seem realistic? Or will it be another dramatic lust-driven rush for the goal line of mutual orgasms? Wouldn’t it be nice to see two interesting people fumble through a sex scene, but love it anyway? I suppose shyness, embarrassment, and body image worries don’t make Hollywood-type dreams. But it would be endearing to see into the open hearts of two people who are daring to be vulnerable as they are sexually intimate.

Better Sex Is About Quality More Than Quantity

It is unique to each couple, with their values, desires, quirks, and dreams. Good communication can help two people align their hearts and minds and bodies so the dance of love becomes uniquely their own. It’s not so much about how it looks, but about how it feels.

Pleasure is the currency of sexual love.
Giving and receiving pleasure is the ultimate goal of sexual connection. Worrying about meeting some external standard of sexual “performance” can only be distracting.

Sex should be more like play than work, or a test you could flunk. Relaxed, playful exploration and sharing enhances pleasure. Since pleasure is unique to each individual, you’re the expert on your own pleasure. Gently guide your partner to play with you in the most pleasurable way, and invite your partner to reciprocate in guiding you in pleasuring them.

Pass on the canned “sex advice” at the checkout lane. You can do better!

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